Scenes from a Tajik wedding

Hassan got married last week. Hassan is our landlord’s son and lives in a house adjoining ours. The males in our house went to the all men get-together on Wednesday evening. Spicy pastries, delicious cherries, apricots and water melon, oshe plov – the national dish of rice and tender lamb – fruit juice and vodka. We men queued at the gate and were allowed in in shifts to pay our respects and be plied with food and drink. There was as much banter as you can have with the barrier of no common language between you; quite a lot in fact with vodka toasts substituting for Berlitz..

The celebrations went on all week in our common courtyard. The big day was Saturday, when males and females dined together in a restaurant and there was the ceremonial return of the groom with his bride to the house. Arriving together under a canopy, Hassan carrying his wife round a fire outside the house three times and then entering down a red carpet amidst a cacophony of drums, trumpets and flutes. (I’m not sure if this could catch on at home. Would brides in Scotland allow their husbands to carry them three times around a fire just after the reception?).

Sunday was the debrief. The all women “do” at the groom’s house to discuss the catering, the outfits, the gifts, how soon she’ll get pregnant… We were all invited to this too. Foreigners are often considered gender non-specific for such occasions; (not sure whether that’s a slight on our manhood?). Anyway, another great do with more of the succulent fruit and vegetables currently in season and more oshe plov, but no vodka.

Even on the sidelines we felt part of a great occasion. How nice it is to have such great family get-togethers to launch the lives of a young couple and, on balance, this emphasis on family is something I feel we have lost in Britain today to our disadvantage.

There is another side though. Most marriages in Tajikistan are arranged. Love may blossom amongst young people but it will seldom prevail. The bride, in most cases, will give up any thought of education or career and will be given into the household of her husband to serve her mother-in-law and the menfolk and to produce children. Her life will revolve around the family and be entirely dependent upon her husband.

Hassan’s family are relatively well off and I am sure his bride will have a good life. Tajikistan’s biggest export though is its people. Over a million young men, out of a total population of 7 million, work in low paid jobs in Russia and send money home to support their families. Not only do the women and children see very little of their menfolk, many men don’t come home at all. Many meet someone else in Russia; others just decide on divorce once they have seen the wider world. For their wives, this is ruin.

Family life can be great, though limiting. Life outside the family can be cruel. There’s probably a broader principle there about society in general but I need another vodka toast to find it. And then it will be lost again by the morning.